Miscommunications and disagreements are inevitable, regardless of how big or small it is. It’s completely normal and healthy.
It piques your interest, doesn’t it? So what do you think of all the couples that publish on their social media platforms? Do they argue or disagree with one another?
Yes, without a doubt. It is something that every relationship goes through.
Regardless, there will always be something you might disagree on. Not many couples completely agree on everything (well, maybe agree to disagree on certain things).
Now sometimes, we have difficulty thinking about what to do next after a big fight with our partner, so here are a few tips and tricks to help you after a fight.
DON’T: Bring other people in the fight.
You do not need to bring other people into the fight. As much as we want advice from them, you’re only going to make them see your partner as someone evil, cruel, or even toxic towards you.
Imagine this, after fighting with your boyfriend/ girlfriend, you confide in your friends, and guess what they’d tell you?
“You should just dump him. He’s not treating you right.”“ He really said that? That’s kind of toxic.”
Remember, the words you say aren’t the exact words in the fight, and the fact that they’re your friends and only know a bit of the story without understanding your partner’s side would already be biased.
DON’T: Say “It’s over”
Just because you’re fighting, you cannot just resolve the problem with:
“It’s over.”“Let’s break up.”
Because honestly, that’s not going to fix anything. You’re both just going to either crawl back to each other OR possibly regret breaking up over something you’ve argued about.
Some couples do break up only when the problem has continuously occurred more times than they can count. It’s rather more understandable if that was the case because let’s be real here. We do get tired eventually.
But when you’re arguing or even fighting over something, especially when you both can still fix it or find a solution for it, shouldn’t that already be a reason as to why you shouldn’t just end it?
DON’T: Pretend that nothing happened
As much as we just want to move on from the argument, we really can’t pretend that nothing happened.
It’s honestly just going to eat us up, and the worst thing about it is that that feeling stays at the pit of our stomach; it resurfaces when we get triggered.
It is a huge mistake to pretend that nothing happened because you’re not only hurting yourself but also your partner, and you might even open up this certain fight in future fights.
DON’T: Let your emotions take over
When we get angry, we often say things we don’t necessarily mean, like calling them names, pointing out their faults, and bringing up past mistakes and actions.
Sometimes we don’t realize that these feelings are powerful, and we mostly regret everything we’ve told our partners because it surely will be stitched in their hearts.
For example, saying that you hated them for doing a certain thing, they might hide doing it from you to relive the things you’ve said to them.
Understandably, we forgive people, but it doesn’t necessarily mean we forget what they have done. Nevertheless, you really shouldn’t talk to them when you’re filled with too many emotions.
DON’T: Avoiding the topic and behaving differently
Thinking that you can get back into their good graces without even talking about it and behaving in a way that wouldn’t get them any angrier doesn’t resolve the fight you had.
You COULD do that, but resolving a fight would need talking and actively listening to each other.
I mean, think about it, you’re cooking her favorite meal, playing her favorite song, making her take a bath after a fight won’t guarantee forgiveness or peace. It just goes to show that you’re avoiding talking about it.
DO: Give them time to think.
When you’ve just fought, you have to give each other space rather than immediately sitting down and talking about it.
Now I’m not saying that you can’t do that. You could. It’s just that it would be better to have time alone to think and cool down rather than facing each other headstrong, especially when you’ve both fought.
Having time to think will let you regain logical thoughts, and not thoughts only filled with emotion.
It’s kind of like that quote where you shouldn’t let your heart lead all the time. Instead, you need your mind to think things thoroughly.
You do not need to prepare a big apology!
Remember Devi from the tv show Never Have I Ever? When she apologized to Aneesa through dancing in the school’s mascot costume, thinking that a big apology is something that she needed to do, BUT all Aneesa really needed was an apology that was genuine and that came from the heart.
You see, apologies should be sincere, and you should speak honestly about how you feel rather than apologizing without even understanding what you’re apologizing for.
Understanding that you’ve hurt them, and letting them understand that they’ve also hurt you, is all that is needed.
DO: Actively listen.
Instead of cutting each other off while trying to explain both your sides, you need to listen to each other while letting each other finish their explanations.
Being able to understand that they have been hurt and that what you have done might’ve hurt them too is essential for your relationship to grow.
It goes both ways. They also have to understand your side without devaluing or invalidating how you feel towards a certain action they have done or certain words they have said.
DO: Work together to find a solution.
As a couple, you need to find a solution that works for both of you, especially if this is a problem that has been bothering both of you.
I mean, would you want to have the same fight over and over again?
No, right? Exactly.
For every problem, there is always a solution that benefits both parties. You just need to sit down and talk it through.
I mean, it is okay to move on from a fight that you’ve had but find a solution in case it happens in the future.
DO: Choose your words.
When you’re fighting, you need to choose your words carefully. In other terms, you need to think before you speak. You cannot just say anything without understanding the consequences and weight of your words towards the person you’re talking to.
Actions and words are actually quite similar. So if you say or do something to that person, they will remember them.
As human as they are, they also hurt, and often it reminds them what you’ve said or done because it has impacted them.
Words: Jan of Life Sutra