“They’re going to get angry at me for making a mistake!”
“Why did I say yes? I didn’t even want to go.”
“I’m so sorry for being 3 minutes late.”
“Do they like me?”
Have you ever had these thoughts? Have you been saying yes to everyone and everything, even when you don’t want to or are busy? Have you ever considered yourself a people pleaser?
If your answer is YES, then this is definitely for you.
But what exactly is a people pleaser?
As the basic definition of people pleasers is that they seek validation, want everyone around them to be happy, and will do everything and whatever it takes to keep it that way.
People pleasers will go out of their way to please someone, even if it means that they have to use their own time or resources because, as to some psychologists, people pleasers often act out because of their insecurities and lack of self-esteem or possible perfectionists.
Unfortunately, it is somewhat of an addiction to some people because they seek constant validation just to make themselves feel that they’re needed and useful.
But we’ve got you covered, and we’re here to help you start saying “no” to others and saying “yes” to yourself.
Here are 5 ways to stop pleasing people:
#1: DELAY DELAY DELAY
Have you ever tried using the “let me get back to you” answer to an invite?
Yes? No? Maybe?
And I know that if you’re a people pleaser, it can be a little hard to delay answers to questions. But as much as you can, try to delay the answer because once you delay a decision, you are able to actually consider your factors and make a proper decision that favors what you want instead of focusing on what other people want.
I understand if you find silence difficult, especially during the delay, but silence is completely normal. As I mentioned earlier, make use of the “Let me get back to you” answer.
Do whatever you need to do to buy some time to consider whether or not you’re actually accepting the invitation just because you want them happy or accepting it for you.
#2: “no” 🙅🏼♀️
It can be a little hard to say no to people, especially when they’re being persuasive.
I understand that it can be hard to say no to close friends or even family, but why not start with small interactions and small no’s?
Like maybe for example, when you’re ordering at a fast food restaurant, they would normally ask if you want a drink with your food, you can politely say no, or when the cashier at the department store or the nearest 711 would ask if you’d want to avail a card you can say no, but maybe next time, that’s another alternative.
Practicing these no’s with other people can help you when you’re saying no to invites from friends or from other intimate relationships.
Now, like what I mentioned in the first point, you have to delay and take time to ensure the things you’re saying no to cause you wouldn’t want to say no to an opportunity as well.
#3: Boundaries 🧱
You read that right.
It’s time to set up some boundaries.
Now I don’t mean that you’d completely close off people in your life, but more like you add boundaries to how you’re interacting with them.
Know what drains you, or what you can’t tolerate especially when it is personally affecting you.
I’m not saying that you have to say no to everything, it’s still up to you if you want to help out but just know your own boundaries for helping because we don’t want to end up as a doormat.
#4: Stop Apologizing
*Bumping into a chair* “Sorry.”
I bet you’ve done that too. You know, saying sorry for every small thing or “inconvenience” that you do.
Why did I quote and quote inconvenience? Because we say sorry for the silliest things sometimes and feel bad about it, even if it’s something so small. Like maybe being late for 2 minutes, or not getting their order right, or even maybe if you’re a girl (and since girls like to collectively go to the bathroom) you say no and not go with them.
It is kind of funny if you think about it cause why is something so small going to bother me? (Maybe you’re asking this question), and if you’re looking back at what you did or how you felt, maybe at one point you did this too.
Saying sorry should be genuine, and you really shouldn’t say sorry a lot (this is also advice for myself), just because “he gave me that look” or “she wouldn’t speak to me after” or maybe something along those lines. Although I honestly can say it is hard to avoid that, it takes time to practice.
#5: Professional help 👩🏼⚕️
Lastly, if none of these are helping or maybe even the other techniques you’ve tried had made you lose hope, never fear cause a professional is here~
(Unfortunately, that’s not me).
When being a people pleaser has officially taken over your life and has made it difficult for you to even be able to enjoy your day-to-day activities because of this, then it’s officially time to seek help.
We can’t self-diagnose or even treat ourselves over what we learn and read on the internet, a professional can actually recommend what you have to do in order to adjust to your situation. However, professional help does not necessarily mean that you will be automatically “healed” but it’s one step closer to healing.